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Friday, December 19, 2014

Tales from Darker Places FREE on Smashwords!

Oh yes, if you haven't got yourself a copy, go and get one now!
I have 2 little stories right at the end...
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/493452


And here's a little chart showing which of my books (including anthologies) are 'out there' so far in what percentage (%)...the TIW anthology isn't there...mmm...must ask about that...


Thursday, December 18, 2014

Tasteless Post...Germans and "Tampon Printing"

I was proofreading a USB stick website the other day and came across "tampon printing". I thought it strange. Of course, that would be "tampo printing" or "pad printing" a 2D to 3D printing. I informed the website owner and they said the Germans call it "tampon printing"...mmm...
I found a tampon USB stick on the net...can you believe that?



I wrote to a few German companies but they ignored me...so...they are still "tampon printing"...sigh...

DISCLAIMER: I'm a writer. Creativity comes from...who the hell knows!

Now, tasteless though it is, I made a list of just what exactly Germans would print on tampons, as if you would, who the hell in their right mind would, but that's Germans for ya...the translator I was working with became quite ill after a few of these...here's a picture and my list! :-) (if you are easily disturbed, please look away...now...ooops, too late...)


Tasteless list


"Dive, dive, dive!"
"Ooo, it's dark in here..."
"Geronimo!"
"Oooo, this one's deep..."
"Sucking it up!"
"Can you smell fish?"
"First one in?"
"Today this bucket, tomorrow the world!"
"Dis iz my hole!"
"I'm scared of the dark."
"Be gentle."
"Push!"
"Insert this way"
"Run this through me one more time. I go in there?"
"Turn a light on!"
"Do not reuse."
"This is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me."
"No! Not again!"
"Way-hey!"
"And here we go a-wandering, a-wandering we go..."
"Tell me you love me"
"I'm gonna fill ya!"
"How was it for you?"
"Wheeeeee!"
"Do not put in mouth"
"Hair surrounds the hole this is intended for...unless you have a job for "Shaven Monthly" or you are a Bavarian housewife."
"This way in"
"Do I go in here often?"
"Well, hello there..."
"It's always the same, you only put me in when you need me!"
"Is it just me or can anyone else smell blood?"
"Ooooo, I feel a bit queezy..."
"Sorry, what was your name?"
"What? Not even dinner first?"













My take on TIW C94 plus NEW trailer

I put my take of TIW C94 up on Figment, to see if that brought any interest. It's Star Wars based, go have a look :-)
http://figment.com/books/880492-Fett-Nord

I'm also in C95 as a writer, already written it up. You'll love it!

PLUS I have a trailer for 'Bethlehem Fiasco'! It's a scream! my pal DL Zwissler made it for me :-)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsT1bSg_Ycs&list=UUkSo7ekt9xTbE0EP_OTpjAw

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Bethlehem Fiasco - NEW COVER!

Oh yes, I'm getting serious now :-)
The ebook version of 'The Bethlehem Fiasco' has a NEW COVER!
Hopefully that'll bring a few more hits, plus a slight change in the tags...
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007UJHQ42


The NEW cover was created by DL Zwissler, a friend and succuessful writer who wants me to be just as successful as she. If I was only 1% as successful I'd be happy, she sells 1000s...(jealous)...her Amazon page...
http://www.amazon.com/Danielle-Lee-Zwissler/e/B005HI56MW

And what's happening? Well, I won 2nd place in a raffle, got a few dollars, and I'm keeping up with the TIW 12 Days of Christmas...here is my Day 9, a serious piece based on the Bataan Death march...
see it on the website, too...
http://theironwriter.com/the-twelve-days-of-christmas-day-9/
or here...

Bataan

“For a drop of water…” They held him up between them but he knew they were suffering too. The Phillipine jungle wasn’t anything like the Bronx and this march was no parade.
“Come on, Davis, we’ve gotta make it, all of us.” His buddies Steve and Hess from the boot camp settled him on their shoulders again as they watched a group of Japanese soldiers bashing in the brains of some Filipino soldiers, finishing them off with the cold steel of their bayonets.
“Oh guys, remember the Christmas do? So much drink, so little time to drink it.”
“Hell, stop thinking about drink. Think about…about girls, Davis. Girls. How many danced with you that night?” Hess was always going on about girls.
“Oh yeah, that was good night. They put on ’White Christmas’ and everyone danced. How many? Nine, nine ladies dancing with me, little ol’ me.”
“Ladies, that’s kinda stretching it, eh, Davis? Eh?”
They laughed but Steve slipped in the mud made by a hundred thousand footprints. Davis fell to the ground and was covered from head to foot. A Japanese soldier ran over and poked him with his rifle.
“立ち上がって、あなた怠惰なアメリカの犬!”
“You can say that again,” coughed Davis.
“起きる!”
Steve and Hess picked him up again and they both received the butt of the soldier’s gun.
“彼.一人で!”
“I guess he wants you to get up by yourself, Davis,” sighed Hess.
“Well, tell him it ain’t happening! This mud is so cool.” He squirmed around like a happy little pig. “Oink, oink!”






Saturday, December 6, 2014

Another Dr. Suess

Yes! I got into another compilation "Baby Shoes"....here is the kickstarter if you ever wished to have a look at one...
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1727584460/baby-shoes-a-flash-fiction-anthology

I'm doing the TIW Christmas Special Quickies this year, and on Day 5 the theme is "How the Grinch stole Christmas", with a few elements (Brian Rogers as The Grinch, a 10 and a half foot pole, 5 gold rings, the roast beast)

So, here is mine :-)
On the site (http://theironwriter.com/the-twelve-days-of-christmas-day-5/)
But also here...



Every Iron
In Iron Writer Land
Loved procrastinating a lot.
But Brian Rogers
Who dressed as the Grinch
Did NOT!

Brian hated procrastinating! That whole waste of time!
He'd sit there and watch and say "That's a crime!"
"Who cares about who did who and why and when,
If all you ever get to know is the size of their pen!
One with a twinkie, another a 10 and a half foot pole,
It's kinda sad if that is your goal..."

But
With Christmas ahead,
All the presents, the feast,
He ignored his revulsion and sliced up the roast beast,
Procrastinating with the best of the worst,
He laughed, he joked, he quenched their thirst,
By commenting on all photos and quotes and desires,
He kept everyone happy, no anger, no fires.

"Though I'll tell ya one thing," he mumbled with grins,
"I'll stop when anyone mentions those damn 5 gold rings!
'Cause one thing I hate more than all,
Is those 12 bloody days and those birds that call!"


(Of course, totally UNTRUE! Brian likes to procrastinate with the worst...sorry, the best of us :-))