Writing 'THE' book...

It's been almost a year since I write anything over 20,000 words...I have 3, no, 4 ideas on the go, all at about 10k, but no more. But now, finally, one of them is begging to be written, 'THE' book.
...it will break rules...
...it will 'pretend' to be something it's not...
...it will be 'more' than you can see...kind of a 'codex' book
...but it will also be 'entertaining' as well as 'strange'...
 I already have a cover, a title and 'some' of the plot...('plot' you say?)...but all that later...
Other than this book which might turn out to be novella sized, there's a sci-fi waiting to be written and the sequel to "How to".
I'm still doing the TIW Weekend Quickies, so there will probably also be a 'Dani's Shorts 4 plus' later :-)

Weekend Quickie 114

Had a go at the TIW Weekend Quickie 114...just to see if I still had it.
Researched Soda vs Pop (where and who uses the words, plus any rivalries...Raiders vs Chiefs), used my hatred of lemon in my tea, reserched Johnny Carson's show, added Anne Frank's Diary, and hey presto!

http://theironwriter.com/the-weekend-quickie-114-sunday-edition/#comment-210287

(250 words: a lemon, Johnny Carson, Soda vs Pop, Anne Frank)

The lemon hit me straight in the forehead.
"What the...?" Lemons are hard, especially when thrown at high speed by your girlfriend.
"I've had enough!" She stormed out of the kitchen and went into the bedroom. By the time I'd rubbed my injury better, she'd packed a bag.
"Honey, what are you doing?"
"I'm leaving! I've had enough of you!" She searched through the bookshelves for treasures, including that ugly brown copy of Anne Frank's Diary and began flinging our ripped DVDs around the room, taking out her "Friends" and "24". A DVD filled with Johnny Carson's old shows from the 80s hit me in the eye.
"What did I do?"
She threw the books and DVDs into another traveling case and made for the door. I frantically picked up the mess she'd left on the floor, checking to see whether she'd damaged any of my precious "Monkey Magic" rips. She hadn't, they were still safely in their case.
"It's enough that you're a Raiders fan and I'm a Chiefs, AND that your guys beat us last time..."
"Well, I am from California," I replied, now rubbing my eye.
"And putting lemon in my tea when you darn well know that I HATE lemon..."
"Sorry, force of habit. You usually make the tea first and then I add lemon."
"But, but THEN, goddamn! THEN you ask for a POP?!"
"All I said was, can I have a soda?"
"I HATE you!" She slammed the door and the flat was empty.

Time for a post

It's been a while since I posted.
I'd like to say that everything is going swell, everything is going fine.
But all I see is 'smileys'...with a kick to the face.
After being asked to, I watched 'The Maze Runner' (and read a bit). 7 million readers can't be wrong.
Had an idea for a 'Maze Runner' parody. Would anyone read it?
Now? At the moment, waiting on any news from my new book "How to", watching a few downloads of my free ebooks go out every day, waiting for my next sale, waiting for any of my ideas to take root in my head so I can write them out...it seems I'm waiting...BUT nothing comes to those who wait.
So...back to writing...
On another note...
Well over 200 copies of 'Dani's Shorts 4' are out there somewhere! Not bad for 6 weeks, that's 40 downloads a week...OK, OK, I know someone who SOLD over 1500 copies in April (and that was a slow month for her), but these numbers for me are good.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/byseries/2766

1st Annual Dani J Caile, Quicky Yet Sardonic Invitational

Hey! Cool...some recognition...I'm touched.
After posting this...
http://danijcaile.blogspot.com/2015/04/2nd-year-anniversary-iron-writer-500.html
...Brian Rogers of the Iron Writer Challenge announced the "1st Annual Dani J Caile, Quicky Yet Sardonic Invitational", where other Iron Writers can try the same thing, a 500 word story from 1 element per weekly challenge :-)
Thank you, Brian!
Go to http://theironwriter.com and see what's happening...

BTW, Dani's Shorts 4 is almost at 200 free downloads!
https://www.smashwords.com/books/byseries/2766

2nd year Anniversary Iron Writer 500 worder

To celebrate the second year of The Iron Writer Challenge, I thought I'd do as I did last year and create a story with an element from each weekly challenge of the year, in order. All quite pointless, really, but a lot of fun,
Here's a link to last year's..."Waiting for the Equinox"
http://danijcaile.blogspot.com/2014/02/first-annual-2014-iron-blog-tour.html

And here is this year's :-)
Hope you like it...


Trouble at the Lodge

(500 words, 1 element from weekly challenges 59+61-109)

"Look, I'm an atheist, okay," said Dave, pushing through the revolving doors of the ski lodge.
"But you can't hit it with a wooden club, in fact, any weapon."
Dave looked at his companion. "Take that paper bag off your head when I'm speaking."
"No," said Bob.
"And irrigation boots? We're in the Alps!"
They walked to reception, where two staff members were playing rock/paper/scissors, another was eating breakfast with Thornwood tableware, and two others fought with light sabres in the back room. A Minion Dave plush ominously stood over a desk sign which said 'Caution: sharp edges'.
"Excuse me, but I'd like to report a broken thermostat."
"Why sir? What did it do?" asked the receptionist.
"It's broken." Dave gave his most evil stare.
"I'm sorry sir, but the horse has been taken to the halberdier's. We do, however, have a pink fairy armadillo..." He showed the creature from behind the desk.
"Is it gluten free?" asked Bob. Dave moved from 'evil stare' to 'WTF'.
"That would be the poodle, sir. You'd have to asked the bellboy." He pointed to an old genetically enhanced gnome drinking Dr. Pepper over by the lift. The gnome instantly took out his ninja weaponry, ready for battle.
"Looks nasty to me," muttered Dave, watching the kusarigama and fukiya.
"Don't worry, sir. Use a perfume atomiser and call his sons Saggitians. Works every time...sir?"
Dave was transfixed by the poster under the wall clock showing Neo from 'The Matrix' holding a Sooty puppet.
"How can that be?"
"Oh, that. It was our late manager's. We leave it there, out of respect."
"Late?"
"Yes, he suffered from Misophonia."
"He died from Misophonia?" asked Bob.
"He had breast cancer, sir." They stood in silence. "We also have his lucky goat's hoof," he said, "and his certificate of achievement from the Gloustershire Annual Cheese Rolling Competition, 2001." The ski lodge suddenly went dark due to the encroaching storm clouds. With a smile, the receptionist held out a Montblanc fountain pen and an entry form to the evening's Fried Bologna sandwich cookoff. "Would sirs like to attend?"
"I have too much facial hair," excused Bob.
"Not if I was the last person alive on Earth," said Dave. "Besides, I'm wearing my tap dance shoes and it's tame dinosaur bathing night."
"Bacon?" A grieving boy wearing argyle socks and Steampunk goggles came over. With one motion from the receptionist the boy was sucked up by a floor buffer.
"Anyway," said Dave, "I'd also like to report that the flagpole outside was knocked down by an enraged lame llama who was fed Haggis made from barn owls."
"Thank you, sir. I will need to change the lawn mower blade on the Star-Bellied-Sneetch machine and call for a terracotta soldier from China, then."
"One question?" asked Bob.
"Yes, sir?"
"Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?"
"Erm..."
"One more question?" asked Bob again.
"Yes, sir?"
"Can I buy a Moon rock here?"
"Where do think you are, sir? Venice?"

2 silly spelling mistakes... (TIW Spring Open Final)

Well, I came 2nd out of 4 writers in the Iron Writer Spring Open 2015...which means I'm not in the Annual Final this year :-(
The judges' feedback was, as usual for me, strange. I was expecting top points in Spelling and Grammar (as you would) but I forgot to use "Spell Check" on my new fangled computer (I didn't know where it was in Hungarian) and 2 really silly spelling mistakes were left in my 500 word story "Uncle Terence" (see below). That lost me many points. Plus the fact 2 of the 3 judges didn't "get" the story - which is a shame. That was quite possibly my last outing in the Iron Writer, though I stay on as a judge...methinks.
So, WITHOUT the spelling mistakes, here is my non-winning story...

(Elements: Venice, Astigmatism, Magma, a Solid Plutonium Halberd)

Uncle Terence

A cool breeze sweeping down the canal stirred Uncle Terence into action, awakening him with a snort. The gondolier continued on as before, propelling us skillfully through the water with each stroke. 

"I say, it's a little chilly this morning." He wrapped his infamous Alpaca scarf tighter around his neck, allowing no room for any mischievous nip.

"Aren't we meant to be at Saint Mark's by eight?" I asked, knowing full well Uncle Terence had no intention of keeping the appointment. He hated anything to do with religion or the church, it reminded him of his own mortality and wicked, selfish life. Myself and the rest of our entourage blamed it on those Franciscan friars from his youth. Uncle Terence pretended to ignore my inquiry and gazed at the buildings we floated by with indifference. I went back to my Marlena de Blasi paperback.

"Ah, Venice. Such an auspicious city, full of wonder, full of history. My family's connection with this glorious place dates back to ancient times. There were Viscounts, Barons and Baronesses in my ancestry, even a hero or two."

"Heroes, uncle?"

"Oh yes, heroes. One I know well, Gerhardt Le Lorraine the third, twenty-second 'nobiluomo' to the Emperor himself." Uncle Terence brushed the gondolier's insolent cough off his Radford jacket.

"When was this, uncle?" Stories of his ancient noble ancestry were synonymous with the greatest of fragrant untruths.

"Oh, long ago, when men were men and women..."

"...were women, uncle?" I giggled at his clichéd manner.

"Quite. Gerhardt Le Lorraine. He slayed the monstrous Beast of Grotta del Cavallone! With his halberd made from solid plutonium forged by the magma of Mount Vesuvius, he boldly stepped into the cave where no man had ever returned alive before!"

"Uncle, how can you forge a solid plutonium halberd with magma?"

"He didn't, of course. It was Hephaestus, God of fire."

"Hephaestus was a Greek god, Uncle. Don't you mean Vulcan?"

"What's in a name? Anyway, it was said that many times Gerhardt thrust that great weapon at the beast. You see, he had blurred vision and was known as "Squinting Jack" by closer acquaintances. An inside joke, perhaps, as some of his earlier responsibilities were akin to those of a valet."

I couldn't keep up with all these connections and tangents. Sometimes Uncle Terence's mind would fly off on such an imaginative journey no one could grasp where he’d been or where he was going.

"He had astigmatism. Runs in the family, as far back as anyone can perceive. We are all blind."

"Well, 'among the blind, the squinter rules'," I replied.

"Quite." We passed under a bridge, making our gondolier duck. Uncle Terence shivered slightly as the bridge’s shadow brushed across his being.

"Wouldn't he die of radiation poisoning, uncle?"

"Excuse me?"

"Plutonium, uncle. You said his halberd was made from solid plutonium."

"Did I? You are quite attentive, my dear," he smiled and settled down once more, taking only but a moment to return to his dreams.

TIW Spring Open Final

Okay, votes are needed over in the Spring Open Final at TIW.
So, please, come on over to the Iron Writer website and check out the 4 stories on offer!
I'm not going to say which is mine, but I'll try and say one sentence for each story, to 'sell' them to you. You'll find the stories here...
http://theironwriter.com/challenge-109/
...but before you go over, check out my one sentence summaries...

Last Call - Dante is having trouble in the pub, getting drunk and then falls 'into darkness' with the ferryman.

Hellfire Eyes - A person who suffers from severe astigmatism for a long time finally has a special operation and can see again.

Uncle Terence - A companion endures a morning in the Venice canals with his strange, rich 'uncle'.

Alone and Forsaken - A 'slightly past her prime' woman with her dog picks up a disturbed hitchhiker on a lonely road and the inevitable ensues.

Guess which one is mine? I bet you can't. Just vote for the one you enjoyed the most :-) Because that's fair.